the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize