Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
