she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize