Your face is a jimmy john
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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