At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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