I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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