How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize