My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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