Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
