Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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