I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
