Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
