My Higher Power is John Stamos
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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