I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
