I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
