I puked a lego.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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