I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Randomize
