My brain says no but my pants say off.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
