This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
