Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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