There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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