he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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