My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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