I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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