Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
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