Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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