guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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