Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
