i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize