The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
This baby is an asshole
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
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