So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
