Me. At least after what I've been through.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
