I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
