Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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