This girl is more easily done than said...
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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