that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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