I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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