Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
