I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
