Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
she looked like the before picture.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
