Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
