I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
