What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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