well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
