I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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