just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
