i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
