i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
