She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
