I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
