the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
