just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
