she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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