You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
