we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
