I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Just pee around me
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
