i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
